know thy enemy

Guess how much I hate mowing the lawn? Now guess what I've been doing today. I left it entirely too long (hey, it's been raining, snowing, I was sick for a couple weeks and you know what? I don't really consider it grass mowing time until the end of May anyway, so there you have it). It took me an hour just to do the backyard, and if it doesn't rain tomorrow, I should probably do it again on a lower mower setting.

I hate grass. It's the most useless creation ever. I don't understand why it's so popular. It's prone to weeds, most people have to devote at least half of their weekend time to mowing it, it needs lots of water if it's anywhere in full sun ($$),  you have to pay for and apply weed and feed, and...oh gah, just talking about it angers me. What a waste of time, money, and energy.

My neighbours have pristine grass. I'm definitely not down with that whole 'keeping up with the Joneses' junk, but sometimes I wonder how they do it. I've seen left neighbour out there, with his kids, on his hands and knees digging out each dandelion individually, and I've never actually seen right neighbour with a lawn mower or a push mower or anything. I'm starting to think he just uses a pair of scissors. Don't they have something better to do? Even staring at the wall is something better. That makes me think of a Seinfeld episode where Jerry asked Elaine what she did last night and she said, "Nothing. I sat in a chair and I stared." I guess she could have been mowing her lawn had she had one.

I'm sure my bias has a little something to do with the fact that I'm allergic to grass, but honestly. Don't people want plants they can enjoy? What's enjoyable about grass? And (besides kids) have you ever seen someone outside on their lawn physically enjoying it? Like seriously enjoying the hell out of it. Yay! Woo! Grass!! I've worked so hard on it! I'm going to sit on it, roll in it, have a picnic on it, happily walk around on it and enjoy that fresh grassy feeling on my bare feet!! Think about it. I know you haven't.